We started the week with a dynamic assembly. Our presenter, Mike Domitrz, founder of the nationally-recognized DATE SAFE Project (https://www.datesafeproject.org/), spoke to the entire Upper School on Monday. The thought-provoking and frequently entertaining presentation provided us with a meaningful overview of healthy relationships, intimacy, and sexual assault, and helped us all to better understand the distinctions. Combining humor with appropriate seriousness, Mr. Domitrz helped us see how we have been culturally conditioned to view certain intimate situations—often to the detriment of our own health and wellness. Some of the key takeaways from his talk were:

 

1. Gender stereotypes inform our view of consent. That means we are likely to view any sexual assault scenario through that lens, which is problematic for both men and women.

 

2. By law, consent can only be given positively (i.e., the lack of saying “no” or “stop” isn’t the same) by someone in a coherent state of mind. Taking advantage of someone who is drunk is never acceptable, either from a legal or moral standpoint.

 

3. In situations where we see someone being taken advantage of in this way, we should not be by-standers, no matter how difficult it might be to speak up or intervene. We have an obligation to protect any individual—whether they are our friends or not—who is unable to give consent. Everyone deserves that level of respect and dignity.

 

4. Consent should be given every time. It’s not acceptable to assume consent, even if past experience with a particular person indicates consent will probably happen. As Mr. Domitrz put it, “Just because I said something was OK on Tuesday does not necessarily make it OK on Wednesday.” Every person deserves the respect afforded by these consent check-ins with a partner.

 

5. In real life when we ask for consent, some awkwardness is okay! Of course these situations can be awkward because we’re humans engaged in intimate behavior. But it is much better to endure a bit of preliminary awkwardness that might occur by asking, “Can I kiss you?” than to perpetrate or experience a whole series of unwanted actions. Illogically, people are often more afraid of the awkwardness than the potential conflict and pain that might ensue.

 

Advisories used Mr. Domitrz’s talk, plus the short video called "Consent As Tea,” as springboards to broader discussions of consent and sexual assault. (Each grade level was given guidance specific to that age group.) I have heard from many teachers that the discussions were lively and underscored maturity and understanding on our students’ part. They were generally quite receptive to the perspectives of the guest speaker as well as their peers.

 

As always, our counselor, Liza Skipwith, was available to any student for whom the topic was particularly sensitive. We also encourage anyone who has been the victim of sexual assault to reach out to one of the many resources available, including Safe2Tell (https://safe2tell.org/)

or the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673).

 

In addition to the resources above, I can suggest these two articles to parents. Both of them discuss the general lack of adolescent education in regards to sexual assault and what certain states are currently doing.