by Mike Davis, Ph.D.
Head of School

 

This is the time of year when we celebrate our annual Homecoming traditions including — Spirit Day (Sept. 27), the All-School Pep Rally and Assembly, the Head of School-Lower School Bike “Race” around Stamper Commons, the Lower School Carnival, an All-School Picnic, CA sports games galore, and the Upper School Dance.  It is a day on which more than a thousand people will come to CA to celebrate our remarkable students and history as an institution. We will be dedicating our newly renovated Welborn House structure. I hope to see you there taking part and cheering our students on.  

 

Traditions are important in schools, and so too, is building an intentional school culture.  In any school, there can be outward traditions that all constituents will recognize.  These types of events contribute to a sense of identity and purpose. But, the real work of creating a school culture is not really driven by events and ceremonies. Rather, that work comes from working everyday to put into practice institutional values. 

We speak a lot at CA about having an intentional community of courage and kindness. It is as simple as students opening a door for a friend or guest, hearing students say, “thank you” to me on their way of my classroom, seeing a student consoling a friend who received disappointing news, or confronting another student about something that person did that wasn’t kind.   

Building a culture at a school of kindness and courage does not mean that we are striving to create an environment that is free of discomfort, stress, and even pain.  That would be impossible, but it also wouldn’t prepare students for the tough world they will have to navigate as adults. Our goal is to help students identify aspirational behavior and give them the tools and practice to be resilient, independent people.

 

As part of our SPEAK lecture program this week, we welcomed author and educator Rosalind Wiseman back to campus to address the issue of creating a culture of dignity and respect. With nearly 200 parents in attendance, Wiseman reinforced so many of the things we have been working on as a school. (You can stream the talk on CA's Facebook page.)  She had some great advice for parents about things they can do to support the school’s work in this area.   Although she noted she is not a big fan of the cliché, “it takes a village,” Wiseman noted that all parents play a role in establishing a nurturing and supportive of community for children.
She spoke of things that we must do:

1)   Everyone is your kid.  Although there are clear boundary issues, she noted how we can all role-model and engage with our children’s friends and help set the right tone for how they interact with adults and one another.

2)   No gossiping or labeling. She noted how destructive it is to gossip about other people’s children—whether it be about a young child with impulse control issues or an older student experimenting.  Adults should have empathy for other parents and not exploit someone’s pain for their entertainment.

3)   We don’t have to be best friends. Wiseman noted that there is a diverse range of parenting and personal styles. We don’t have to be best friends as parents, but we do need to communicate our values.

4)   Don't compare. No one has a perfect life.  Social media has compelled us to compare constantly.  Every child is different, and each faces enough pressure without the adults piling it on.

5)   Stop talking about your children. Be more interesting. I loved this suggestion. Your kids need space and and we all need our own passions and interests in order to be healthy. Remember we need to model healthy living for our children.  Obsessively monitoring your child’s every emotion and activity does not lead to a great parent-child relationship and stunts the development of your child's growth.

6)   Assume you will have uncomfortable courageous conversations.  Take the high road with your students and have the patience to not look the other way.  Parenting is tough, but your children truly want guidance and insight. 

7)   Check yourself for sanity. Wiseman talked about her own parenting moments when she is so incensed at a teacher, coach, or other parent that she wants to “go yell at them.” She talked about the need to self-regulate and figure out what is the best and most rational way to work with other adults when facing a challenge with her child.  In my experience, I would add that taking some time to calm down, think about a situation rationally, and giving the benefit of the doubt to the adults working with your child, can lead to far more constructive outcomes.  Face-to-face conversations between teachers and parents in which both parties acknowledge that they are working for the same outcome is always best and better serves one’s child.

 

I hope we can all lean in so that we can make this best community it can be. See you at Homecoming.