Twenty years ago in the fall of 1996, I started my first teaching job in an independent school. Although I feel like I have since dealt with far more challenging issues than teaching United States and World History to 60 freshmen and sophomores that year, I remember that year being one of the most challenging of my professional career. I entered with a false sense of confidence. After all, I had taught at Vanderbilt as a graduate student and just earned a Ph.D. in my chosen field of American History.

 

However, few things in that graduate program actually prepared me for that first year of managing my own classroom. As a new teacher, I spent the first few weeks just trying to stay a few days ahead of the class in terms of the content of my courses! Looking back, the students in the class were amazing and made every day fun. We were having so much fun, in fact, that the students felt betrayed after I gave them the first exam because they thought it was too hard. The day after the exam, I came into my class to find “DR. DEATH” written in huge letters across the blackboard. Several students came to complain about their grades: “Dr. Davis, you don’t understand. We are ‘A’ students and we earned ‘B’s’ on your test.” A few parents put me through the ringer that year as they lobbied hard for me to give their children higher grades. I certainly made some mistakes, and I learned from them. But, the overall joy that I experienced that year made me want to stay in teaching. At that institution, I went on to become chair of the history department, chair of the curriculum committee, a head of a boys dorm, the director of the school’s wilderness program, and, eventually Head of the Upper School. This is my ninth year at CA, and in my time, I’ve picked up a few things as an educator. I’ve also learned a lot as a parent (my kids are all in high school now), and I thought it might be useful for me to use my “bully pulpit” to share a few thoughts with students and parents as we start a new year.

 

I have so much empathy for the difficult challenges that students face today. We should put this in some context. We have it really good at CA. We should be grateful for caring teachers, involved parents, and a strong academic and co-curricular program. As a society, however, we have made your childhoods more difficult and stressful than at nearly any point since WWII. There are volumes written about how this generation of students is overscheduled and too much pressure is being placed on young people. Children today have less freedom and autonomy. Nevertheless, our times offer amazing learning opportunities. So, I have some simple advice for students:

 

1) DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Doesn’t’ this feel obvious! I know how hard it is to get motivated to do one’s work — particularly work that is assigned to you. But, keeping up with assignments and doing your best can really pay off. For one thing, you understand the material better because you are practicing it. Two, getting it done will actually reduce your stress.

Third, you also develop some important life skills related to time management and setting goals. Fourth, being diligent about one’s work usually leads to high performance. I once had an advisee named Jeremy who, for most of his high school career, did the bare minimum and sometimes less than that. His parents were constantly nagging him about his work ethic and grades. During his junior year, something changed. All of a sudden, Jeremy made honor roll and straight A’s. I asked him what was different — expecting that he possibly had some life changing event or his parents had bribed him. His answer, “I realized if I just did my homework that I would do better in school and my parents and I would have a better relationship.” Sometimes, it’s that simple.

 

2) TRY NEW THINGS!

At Colorado Academy, there are so many opportunities for personal growth and development that exist inside and outside of the classroom. In fact, our mission as a school is to develop student interest and passion for academics, the arts, and athletics. A sad feature about today’s culture is a heavy emphasis on specialization, and most schools don’t require students to take arts and athletics like we do here. I think kids are being pressured to choose one or two activities and focus solely on those. There is a lot of evidence about why playing multiple sports and participating in different arts is good for you. At CA, as students get older, they tend to focus on things they are really good at. I would encourage all to keep trying new things even when you are older.

 

One of my daughters played JV tennis and had a great time. What made it particularly rewarding for her was the number of junior and senior girls who came out for the team just to have fun and get some exercise. So, try out for a sport you have never played, an art class that looks interesting, or an Interim that will make you a little uncomfortable. I have a plenty of stories of kids whose lives were literally changed by trying something different.

 

3) GET TO KNOW YOUR TEACHERS.

When we surveyed students last year, one of our highest scores was related to faculty-student relationships. Students at CA have multiple adults in their lives that serve as mentors and role models. Teachers set an important tone in their classroom and in their interactions with students. It is a relationship that is built upon trust. However, for so many reasons, it is not a friendship. The role of a teacher is to guide students to perform at a higher level; it is actually not to make you happy all the time. This means that teachers give critical feedback. They might actually make you feel bad sometimes, and, that can be OK. Our school’s mission is one committed to challenging students to grow. There will be positive reinforcement to be sure, and Colorado Academy teachers are among some of the kindest and most caring people I know, but they are here to push you to be better. Recognize that they are thinking in more longterm ways about your growth and development. They are trying to instill lessons in you now that you may not fully comprehend for many years. I still keep in touch with some of my teachers from lower, middle, and upper school. In fact, some of the teachers I remember most fondly are the ones whom I didn’t really like at the time. I had an advisor in graduate school that was just merciless in any draft writing I turned in for my doctoral work. Even though I was in my 20s, I dreaded getting my papers back, as they were covered in red ink. However, when it came time for recommendations for scholarships and grants that I needed to fund my research, he was my biggest advocate. He encouraged me to try out for a fairly prestigious scholarship from a presidential library that I assumed that I could never get. (I ended up getting it.) I didn’t see that I was capable, but he did, and he encouraged me to aim high. As a result, I accomplished some important research and did some of my best writing ever.

 

4) BE YOUR BEST SELF.

Even though I love nearly all things intellectual, I am actually not concerned about whether or not my kids make honor roll or get straight A’s. What matters most is that we try our best and that we be the best person we can. Although they deny it today, my parents definitely put some pressure on me to earn certain grades. (If I got anything lower than a B-, I wasn’t allowed to play sports.) This actually wasn’t healthy, as it discouraged a certain amount of intellectual risk-taking on my part. I played it safe and didn’t try some things in which I would have naturally failed, but might have developed a deep interest in over time. In schools, students often think they need to be perfect in a range of subject matters. Yet, most adults have jobs in which they can focus on just a few things of which they are experts. Most importantly, there is more to life than grades. Linda Douglas, a long-time middle school principal who mentored me at my old school, says that our goals as parents and educators are really not about the grades one earns, the brand name of the college one attends, or the profession one engages, but that our children are good people. It takes a lot of mental energy to be your best, but I would argue that developing and practicing positive behaviors is one of your most important responsibilities as a student.

 

There are few things as hard as parenting. There is a thing called “free will” that makes our jobs particularly challenging. There is little we can control as parents. In fact, the more you try to control things, the more likely you are to get the opposite result of what you are seeking. I encourage all parents to come to our SPEAK lecture series this year. We have some phenomenal speakers, and one lecture that all should attend is a talk by a former Stanford Dean of Students who will give a talk on helping your child be a functional adult. Since the last 12 years of my life have been working at schools in a leadership capacity, I have worked closely with parents. I have seen all kinds of parenting styles — some brilliant and some disastrous. Through it all, I have been impressed with the patience and perspective of those parents who know how to create a home environment that nurtures the growth of an emotionally resilient and independent child. I offer a few pieces of advice to help guide you through our time here. Some schools talk about “partnerships” with families. I am a huge fan of having parents actively involved in the life of a school, but that metaphor doesn’t work for me. Parents and schools play different roles in the lives of students. It is important not to confuse these roles. I like the metaphor of an “alliance”—of two independent parties coming together in pursuit of a shared goal. In this case, we are striving to nurture the emergence of a healthy, intellectually curious, and resilient human being. When both parties play their part and communicate well, great things happen.

 

1) MODEL POSITIVE BEHAVIOR.

It is pretty clear that our society is angry, frustrated, and more divided than any time since the 1960s. The United States has gone through intense societal divisions in the past. In the 1920s, there was tremendous tension between the forces of modernism and more traditional American values. In the 1960s, there was division over civil rights and the Vietnam War. Cultural and political turmoil is hardly a new thing. But, what is different today is that the ideas and forces that framed American culture during those time periods were more uniform. Most Americans attended church or synagogue; now membership is declining.

 

There were three television stations that led to a common “American” culture; now, we can only watch the shows we want to watch or hear news that reinforces our previously held conceptions of reality. Young people did not have instant access to material or entertainment that was developmentally inappropriate; now smart phones can take a nine-year old straight to porn and violent videos on line. Because of these factors, there was a shared sense of what was publicly acceptable behavior. Today, it’s different, and we need look no further than this year’s presidential campaign to see all kinds of concerning behavior (on both sides). I cannot stress enough how important it is for parents to be role models for their kids.

 

Children are always listening and watching, and they take their cue about what is acceptable behavior from you. They want consistency and they want boundaries (as much as they also want to push those boundaries). Talking about ethics and morality is important and needs to happen routinely from an early age to the end of high school.

 

These students are about to enter a world that is uncertain and full of ambiguity. Having a clear sense of right and wrong and understanding that there are consequences will result in raising a much more healthy young adult.

 

2) HAVE A LONG-TERM PERSPECTIVE.

As a Pre-K-12 school, we operate with a longterm view of child development. It is actually a 14-year period. A lot happens during that time frame, and much of it is actually beyond your control as a parent. That is an unsettling thought in many ways, but, hopefully, can free you from excessive anxiety. Last year’s seniors were in Fourth Grade when I started. I won’t use the student’s name, but I remember one of last year’s graduates whose name came up repeatedly in staff and faculty meetings. There was concern about this student’s behavior and progress. The name came up year after year with little change. We wondered about whether this was the right school. But, guess what? Over time, this student began to thrive and evolved into a leader and outstanding student and citizen. That person had amazing parents, who took a number of difficult conversations in stride. They understood the need of the school — in fact, the moral duty of CA — to bring them into difficult conversations to help their child.

 

They worked with the school and reinforced messages we were trying to deliver. Ultimately, we want to transform students into something better. There are true biological/developmental realities that will lead to parental and school frustrations, but these are overcome with the passage of time and consistent messaging and action. I worked with this great ninth grade world history teacher named Kathryn Respess who would tell her freshman parents, “Your child is not at the apex of their intellectual development. And, isn’t that a good thing? We would be worried if they were.” Being steady in your outlook will help your child.

 

3) YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD’S FRIEND.

This goes along with my previous piece of advice. Life moves surprisingly fast, and every moment with our kids matters. We want to have happy memories and positive relationships with our kids. But, we have such a short time to impart to our children important life lessons. Over the years, I have seen this interesting phenomenon of the overly involved parent who loses all energy to maintain it over a 14-year period. There will be parents who in the Lower School are just so on top of knowing what their kids are eating, watching on TV, who they are friends with, who else got an A on the math test, and who is the lead in the play. They want to be responsible and make sure their kid makes great decisions. But, for some, it is so hard to maintain this energy that by middle school, they begin to give up. All of a sudden, their kid is coming to school quoting from “The Hangover.” They face more pressure from their child to see certain movies or take part in activities that on an objective level are just not appropriate. By high school, they are making decisions based on what they think other parents are doing (or, more often, what their child is saying other parents are doing) and, by that point, the wheels are pretty much off the bus.

 

Somewhere along the line, the parent has made a decision that standing firm on certain expectations is just not worth fighting for. It’s easier to be a friend rather than a parent. Please don’t fall into this trap. Recognize that there are many other parents facing the same ethical dilemmas you face. Get involved in our Parent Association and get to know other parents. Share your knowledge and approaches.

 

First of all, your kids actually are looking for guidance and for your leadership. Second, when they get to college, your relationship will evolve into something amazing and something more like a friendship.

 

Those late night fights over why you won’t host a party with alcohol or won’t let them attend a co-ed sleepover are forgotten. (Another piece of advice: nothing good ever happens after midnight.) Pace yourself for the marathon that is parenting and stand tall. Your kids will appreciate you for it and be better parents themselves.

 

4) FIND THE RIGHT BALANCE.

Oh, this is so hard. Our children have their parents’ DNA, but they are their own people. They are not you. Remember, it is all about free will. I’ve seen so many parents try to live vicariously through their children, either reliving athletic dreams or trying to manufacture that perfect resume so their child will go to an Ivy. It is hard to sit back sometimes and let life unfold. But, it is important to do so. It’s also important for your life and sanity that you have your own interests and passions.

 

When I was a kid, I don’t think my parents ever watched me during an athletic practice. They dropped me off and went about their day. Now, this kind of “hovering” is ever present. Your child actually needs some space and, guess what, so do you. By engaging in your own passions, you model something important for your student about having a healthy, balanced life. It’s also important you be involved in their lives. This means having real conversations. It means being intentional about spending quality time with your child. You’ve made a tremendous sacrifice to have them in this school environment. In doing so you have communicated something very important to them. A parent I greatly respect once told me, “We pass along two things for our kids: values and memories.” It’s all about the environment we create for our kids. Here at CA, we have a school that offers so many opportunities. How your child will avail him or herself of those opportunities is up to them. But, you play a role and the more positive and supportive you can be, the better things will turn out.

 

MY HOPES FOR THIS YEAR

What is great about school is that we get to start fresh every year. We start anew, and there is something incredibly special about that. For students and parents, I am grateful you are here. You both make this an incredible community. My goal is for us to be the best community we can be. That takes work on all of our parts. It involves communication and engagement. It involves keeping an open mind. And, it involves trying our best every day.