During the Middle School years, the social lives of children become more complex. This is the direct outcome of the unfolding of an adolescent’s ability to think and understand more abstractly. What was simple becomes more complex. What was a black and white becomes grey with nuance. A Lower School child and a Middle School child can have the same interaction with another person, but the ability for each to interpret context, draw conclusions (right and wrong), read facial expressions, gestures, tone and syntax are gulfs apart. In addition, because adolescents can now perceive multiple possibilities, they are more interested than their younger peers in exploring who they are by trying on identities.

 

While this exploration takes many shapes, much of it is accomplished in relationships with others. Who am I, who are my friends, and equally important, who am I because of who my friends are? Literally, thousands of hours are spent exploring these possibilities. And this is largely a HEALTHY and NECESSARY phase of social development.

 

Unfortunately, though, young people (and some adults) confuse popularity with healthy social success. The media too often conflates success with popularity by broadcasting the ubiquitous image of precocious adolescents happily surrounded by a group of kids saying and wearing “the right things.” The conversations shown are vapid, meaningful interactions are few and far between, and the willingness to be unkind for personal gain is rarely held in check. Finally, these images almost always advantage quantity of friends over quality of friendships.

 

Interestingly, there is emerging research that should give us second (and third!) thoughts about whether we want our children to be “popular” during the Middle School years. A study that followed 13-year-olds for a decade found that children“ who engaged in ‘pseudomature’ behavior — such as minor shoplifting and early romantic relationships — and were seen as the ‘cool kids’…tended to develop problems with drugs more than the kids viewed as less popular.” These same “popular” kids disproportionately had problems with their important relationships by their early 20s.

 

Moreover, the study found that the students whose behavior was viewed as “cool” during adolescence were subsequently viewed in their 20s as being less socially skilled by their peers.

 

While it may be incorrect to create a causal relationship between early precocity and an increase in negative outcomes, the study does point to important differences between the “appearance of maturity and actual maturity.” (Los Angeles Times, June 20, 2014)

 

I think we do well to help young people recognize that there is not one definition of social success, but many. Some young people thrive in group settings, loving the give-and-take of social interaction, while others prefer one-on-one settings. What I hope is that over time and through lots and lots of practice and support, students develop the interpersonal skill set needed to feel connected to others in meaningful and sustainable ways. This kind of healthy and differentiated definition of social success, one that allows different types of young people to meet their own needs for friendship, sharing and closeness, is our ultimate goal and something we work very hard to help students achieve over time.